January 2010
31 posts
Dear World,
Hello.
I feel like there isn’t anything worth writing about these days.
I'm sick.
My nose it stuffy. I shall live.
I need to crank out a unique, yet simple painting idea I can complete in a short amount of time. 2 days preferably. What to do?
Oh yeah, I won art awards lat week too. I don’t feel like saying what. I’m tired and a little grumpy. I want ice cream then some sleep. I wish I had David, mostly. T^T
Small Update
New classes are okay. I’m going to have daily homework now. So strange. I gotta get back in the swing of high school learnin’.
I’m a T.A. for the library. I’m so tempted to pick up a whole bunch of books and sit around the whole time. Hopefully I can actually do this. I think I’m going to take up reading smaller books on the side with Atlas Shrugged. I want to read...
I love it when I find strands of your hair about my room.
I could type about how much I adore you.
But, You might see it. Which I find to be rather embarrassing.
I miss your lips.
I miss the lovely pressure of them against mine.
Just,uh, so you know.
I think bad things when you’re not here to stop me.
Sometimes I can stop myself, but other times…
Portfolio Updated
http://meowsnacks.carbonmade.com/
Stop rubbing it in.
I hate having to depend on other people to take me places. I hate not having the ability to hop into my own car and drive to where I want to go, when I want to go. I could go anywhere I please. I hate having to come back to this.
Don’t ignore me. It hurts, you know. You could just say no.
I guess I’ll just work on the moon jellies.
Possible mission for today:
Paint some moon jellies.
Last night was inspiring. Kate’s room is so neat! I’ll have to put on some post-rock on later to crank out some ideas for my concentration. I’m so excited about my new direction I decided to take. I’ve been wanting to paint such a series for a while. It’s all coming together now.
I wrote a song.
I was in the shower letting loose some wordless melodies to convey my emotions. Then I decided to make use of my meager French. Please do not expect any accuracy in my French phrasing, for I have not taken a class in 2 years. I hardly ever write songs, as I don’t believe I have much musical talent. It’s a little repetitive, but I like the melody I strung with it.
Libre? Je ne suis pas...
My Art
In case you’re interested.
It’s still somewhat in progress. There will be more to come.
http://meowsnacks.carbonmade.com/
Ugh. I need better pictures of my analog photos. They look so crappy on the computer.
Yesterday
Was indeed exactly what I needed. David took me out. We went to the mall just to walk around, starbucks, Tyler’s Shed, and Moe’s. It was wonderful. We talked about things I have been waiting to talk about for a while. We had substantial conversation about some of our views and touched lightly upon religion and politics. I told him about my bird dream. He told me about his future music...
Oranges.
I always feel better in the morning. Dreams seem to answer all that troubles me.
My thoughts got the better of me. I haven’t had that happen for a while. Nothing wrong with a small relapse. I have realized that I am most certainly not in this relationship by myself. I was stressed about my artwork earlier in the day then it switched over to my relationship and I began imagining things. All...
Birds
In my dream last night there was a surplus of birds in the thicket in front of my window. I was so excited. There were cardinals and many fantastic others which I had never seen before. The thicket’s leaves has turned bright red. Most of the birds had red feathers somewhere on them. I grabbed my new camera and switched it to the correct setting. I began snapping pictures left and right of...
Fucking Consume.
Eat me up in Black.
Seep into my bones.
Make me. Break me.
More.
Dialogue.
I don’t think there is such a thing as romance for me. I am so much of a realist right now. I don’t want it. I want the fantasy world I used to live in. I want things to be flowery and sappy sometimes. I am not frigid. I want that love. The love that makes me blush. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one in this relationship. I hold it up. I fight. But I get so tired sometimes....
I need freedom.
I crave it.
It is times like these that I wish I had a car. I could drive anywhere I wanted and be on my own. By myself. Without anyone with me. Think my own thoughts. Draw somewhere other than this room. Sometimes I just want to be alone. So alone I can wrap myself up inside me and be nothing. Be a person.
Journal
I just went through my journal I kept for most of my sixteenth year. So nostalgic.
I think I would like to begin keeping a journal once again. It was freeing to be able to hand write whatever I felt and not have anyone but myself know the words of my pages.
I’m almost done preparing for scholastics. Only minuscule things are left.
It feels pretty good being able to relax with out a list of things I should be doing staring at my face.
I have a few improvements I’m going to be working on.
Oh Shit Jerry.
What are you doing? Who are you? Why won’t you talk? Why don’t I feel the need to help you?
I’m trying to leave you to be you. I’m trying to trust in the decisions you make for yourself. No one else seems to, so I give you what they won’t. How can I trust that if you ditch everything for god knows what?
It’s like that little boy never existed. Something tells...
Stay with me.
You mesmerize my heart until the beat is with in sync with yours.
A thought.
I expect there to be ration in people. Perhaps some simply do not contain it. If that is so, what makes them human? If they are not of the mind they must be of the body; the purely physical.
There is a balance. Ration that blends with the physical, a sign of intelligence. Wisdom arises in this. Where there is balance there is a need of imbalance to counterpart and gift us with a frame of...
Free time is for books. Off to feed my brains.
Bird book.
I got one. The National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Birds to be exact! I can’t wait to break it open and read about all the different kinds of birds around me. Especially the cute chubby ones.
So many things to read! So many things to accomplish! I feel so good having so much on my plate. Learning is so cleansing.
I also got a lot more new music and more underway. I will...
Oh catharsis, catharsis.
Cold air as your catalyst, Pump through my veins! Sing songs in my ear, clear the debris in my heart!
Dear Scholastics,
I will conquer you. Halt. You fiend. I am a bear. You are not a bear. Furthermore, I find your face: offensive.
Determination. Enough said.
I am different from you,
as you are different from me. Contrasting beings with lives that meet and cross. Our views are bound to clash at some point. The point, as it seems, is now.
Faith and loyalty still have meaning in me. I do not believe that will cease in my soul.
I believe you.
I believe in you. I believe in life.
I am a pathetic sack of meat. Ian found it beautiful that one sack of meat could help another. I was foolish enough to believe that someone like me could fix anything for you. In life all I can do is make a pretty picture while slowly causing the world around me to rot.
You are right. You need to be alone. I do too. I don’t know how to handle myself. I...
Foolish
I always fuck things up when I think they’re going right again. It seems that I am making one bad decision after a string of good ones.
I need to shape up this year. Thought before action. I have too much impulse. I have too much ambition. I need to strengthen my resolve. Empty. Eject. Empty.
My feelings drag me into the very definition of a fool. Aren’t we all fools in love?
____
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